Thoughts from October 2008

It's crazy how the years go by but our thoughts are still relevant.  Here's an entry of mine from October of 2008.

"If you’ve spoken with me in any way in the last 48 hours, I’ve probably recommended a cd to you. The music and lyrics on this album have touched my heart like not many other things. Big deal- it’s just a cd, right?

I disagree. I believe God sends us gifts in our physical life. It could be a surprise phone conversation with a friend you haven’t heard from in a while that encourages you. Maybe a walk with someone close to you. It could be a sunrise or sunset or something in between. For myself, more often than not, God’s gifts to me are sent in the form of music. And I believe that’s exactly what this album was for me. A gift from God when I needed it.

Last night, I had the opportunity to finish a book I’ve been attempting to read since May. I’ve been picking it up and putting it down, not really ever getting into its truth. So, this weekend, I picked up ‘Captivating’ (authored by John and Stasi Eldredge) with the intent to finish it. Wow. I can’t express how much I needed this message exactly when it was handed to me. Had I read the book in May (or even any month since then), I wouldn’t have understood the full meaning.

I’m a perfectionist. I hate it when others see me fail. I hate feeling like I’ve failed. So, hopefully you’ll understand that it’s hard for me to say that I HAVE failed in the last season of my life. How? I closed myself off. I thought that if I didn’t let others in, I couldn’t be hurt. Trying to avoid the pain, I put a barricade around my heart. Little did I know that I wasn’t keeping the pain out- instead, I was locking it in by putting walls up around my heart. The very thing I was trying to avoid became my constant companion.

But it hit me this week. How in the world was God going to use me if I wouldn't let anyone in? How could I be a conduit of Him if I wouldn’t even let Him in?

I’ve always been told that I talk too much and that I needed to share less of myself. And while many of you know me on the surface level, I haven’t given you a true opportunity to get to know the real me. I’d been under the school of thought that I’ve had nothing of value or substance to offer the world. I'd been taught not to be completely open and vulnerable with others because I would only be hurt in return. But I’ve recently learned that being open and vulnerable is the only way to truly LOVE. Not just in the romantic sense, but the love that God intended us to have.

Vulnerability is terrifying. In being in such a state, we're risking everything inside of us. There is quite a possibility that the individual on the other end could rip up the fragile paper valentine heart we're holding out to them (see 'My Paper Heart' on the cd) and with it our very hopes and dreams. But God calls us to keep offering.

This frail paper heart that is beating inside of me has been ripped up. It's been walked on, tossed out the window and through many storms just lying on the ground. However, every time He picks up the pieces and binds them together, giving me the strength to offer it once again.

I've posted the lyrics to one of my favorite songs on this cd, "Behind The Scenes". I think we walk around every day with walls up around our hearts, focusing only on ourselves. On not letting any more rips or tears come to our delicate paper hearts. We’re not focusing on each other. How many times do you walk past someone each day without even giving them a second glance?

Behind The Scenes
Album: My Paper Heart
Artist: Francesca Battistelli

You may think
I’m just fine
How could anything
Ever be out of line?

I take my time
To set the stage
To make sure everything
Is all in place

Even though I’ve got the lines rehearsed
A picture only paints a thousand words

(Chorus)
Things aren’t always what they seem
You’re only seeing part of me
There’s more than you could ever know
Behind the scenes
I’m incomplete and I’m undone
But I suppose like everyone
There’s so much more that’s going on
Behind the scenes

Sometimes I can’t see
Anything
Through the dark
Surrounding me
And at times I’m unsure
About the ground
Beneath my feet
If it’s safe and sound

When it’s hard to find hope in the unseen
I have peace in knowing it will find me

(Chorus)

You may think I’m just fine
How could anything ever be out of line?

I know I’m guilty of not looking further into so many people, and I’ve felt so many times that others haven’t been trying to look past my shell and into my heart. Until recently, I haven’t given you the opportunity. That’s going to change.

I hope you’ll take the time to get to know my heart. I know that if you do, you’ll find an incredible individual with so much to offer the world. And at the center of this delicate, fragile paper heart of mine, you’ll find the love of God- He’s the glue holding me together."

Whew, past Lexie, you hit the nail on the head.

P.S.  Miss Francesca released her newest album yesterday.  I'm in love.  Check it out by clicking HERE!